HR asks employee to document everything a toxic coworker does just to use it against him, as it was concerning his focus in interpersonal conflicts: ‘Now they're using my own records to paint me as the problem’

Author image for María Cetra
María Cetra • Writer
Sep 26, 2026 11:15 AM EDT

This seems like a setup as old as time. 

If you were having a confrontational relationship with a coworker at your job and you took it up to human resources with the hope that everything would get fixed, and then they told you that you needed to keep a record of all the issues you encounter with this person, only to show it to them and hear back that maybe you are the problem for being too invested in interpersonal conflict to keep a record, how would you react? This story is not foreign to u/AcanthisittaNew3927, who had to go through this exact problem and now doesn't know how to handle it. If he has a target on his back and needs to start looking for a job urgently, or can he just pretend that nothing happened? 

In my opinion, he needs to go. If he can run, I would suggest that. In all seriousness, this seems like a setup. They told him to keep a record only so they had proof, a fake one, that he was obsessed with this issue or even with this coworker. It is crazy, but for some reason or another, the human resources team has a preference for the other coworker. That's why they are flipping things to make this person look bad and the toxic coworker look good. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but from my point of view, this was all a setup. He needs to find a new job and get out. He has a target on his back, and sooner or later they are going to fire him. Now they have a reason, a fake one, to do so. 

To conclude, run, boy, run. This seems like a setup to me. I'm not sure if everyone is reading into it as I'm doing. But I'm hoping you are. If not, I'm probably insane. The thing is, if this wasn't a setup, then what was it? Why tell him to document everything if it would then look bad on the person who complained in the first place about the toxic coworker? This seems like a well-executed setup. In any case, I would definitely look into other jobs now. 

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  • 01

    Am I wrong for how I responded to my friend’s recount of my home?

    I've been at my company for 5 years. I'm a project coordinator, and I genuinely like my job. But for the past year, I've been dealing with a coworker - let's call him Mark — who has made my work life miserable. Mark interrupts me in meetings, questions my decisions in front of clients, and once "accidentally" deleted a shared folder with 3 weeks of my work in it. I've tried talking to him directly. I've tried
    via AcanthisittaNew3927
  • 02
    A couple of coworkers who work in the same office. Featured likenesses do not identify those mentioned.
    via Vitaly Gariev

    A couple of coworkers who work in the same office. 

    Featured likenesses do not identify those mentioned. 

  • 03
    avoiding him. Nothing works. Three months ago, I finally went to HR. I expected them to mediate or at least acknowledge the problem. Instead, they told me: "We take this seriously. Please document everything — - dates, times, what was said. Send us a detailed log." So I did. I kept a spreadsheet. Every incident, every timestamp, every witness. After 6 weeks, I
    via AcanthisittaNew3927
  • 04
    sent them a 4-page document. Their response? Silence. For two weeks. Then my manager called me in and said HR had "reviewed my concerns" but that my documentation was "concerning in itself." She said it made me look "overly focused on interpersonal conflicts" and that "maybe the issue isn't just Mark." I was stunned. They asked me to document. I documented. And
    via AcanthisittaNew3927
  • 05
    now they're using my own records to paint me as the problem. I feel like I've been set up. I followed their process, and it backfired. Now I'm worried about my reputation, my review, and whether I should just start looking for another job.
    via AcanthisittaNew3927
  • 06
    An office desk.
    via Ryland Dean

    An office desk.

  • 07
    ohyespineapplepizza That's a horrible way to handle a process they told you to follow. I'd keep any further notes off company systems, ask HR in writing what specific parts of your log they found concerning, and stick to concrete incidents, dates, and work impact rather than trying to prove Mark's intent.
    via ohyespineapplepizza
  • 08
    Adorable_Ad_3315 U have to stay calm and still defend ur pov
    via Adorable_Ad_3315
  • 09
    Addison_Clark_1964 You shared a folder that contained three weeks worth of work. You shared with an antagonist. Was the folder backed up?
    via Addison_Clark_1964
  • 10
    nacg9 HR is not your friend dude! It is never your friend
    via nacg9
  • 11
    Demoneyes1945 See, HR are meant to be impartial but I found they rarely are. I fell into HR by accident and I've seen the crop that comes out both ends when it comes to HR's own self interests vs staff. As for your experience, setting up a detailed log of all issues is actually what we/I would have advised someone to do, it's even something labelled as good practice in CIPD when it comes to information
    via Demoneyes1945
  • 12
    gathering. My info is UK based so please double check it in your area before continuing with any advice. Now, you said your manager called you in, I take it she is not HR? She will have received guidance from HR on the subject and how to approach it. It is possible that HR told her to try and diffuse the situation but your manager's initiative at diffusing ended up being insulting instead. What I would look toward next is
    via Demoneyes1945
  • 13
    writing an official complaint to HR. State the advice they gave you vs the response your manager gave. Speak of the stress induced by the co- worker's actions and the invalidation felt by the company's response (mentioning company as opposed to your manager gives you a little sway when it comes to that relationship - that you weren't blaming her but the organisation, even if it was her words!) When it comes to complaints and grievances, HR (at least in the UK)
    via Demoneyes1945
  • 14
    have a duty of care and responsibility to then investigate. With over two years in their employ, in the UK, you gain a whole ream of additional employment rights. Your complaint/ grievance can be two-fold, one directed at the coworker who seems to make working life difficult, and one to the employer for due process/ placing additional stress on you. Usually when work-related stress is mentioned, HR's ears up, but when that stress is implied to partially
    via Demoneyes1945
  • 15
    come from the actions of the company's response/ HR, they'll jump out of their seats into action (whether that's impartial or to protect their own hides.) Everything from that point on should be written down in terms of communication and any other experiences. You would want to have documentation to evidence that you've been fair and polite in your exchanges, plus that any official meetings are minuted/ that you're
    via Demoneyes1945
  • 16
    allowed to make bullet points in any meetings as to what was said.
    via Demoneyes1945
  • 17
    meo_Woofy that would frustrate me too bruh. If HR specifically told yu to document everything, I'd calmly point out to them and ask them to explain what about the the documentation is "concerning"
    via meo_Woofy

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terrible coworkers employment issues hr toxic-workplace
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